Operation Infant Immersion

[velvetpage]

Mission: to de-flake and de-dirt Infant Model 05202006XX, codenamed "Claire"



Materials: baby oil, Johnson's
Pink baby comb
Kleenex or burp cloth
Baby bathtub, with three inches of warmish water in it
Tester-sized bottle of baby shampoo with oatmeal in it
Washcloth, flannelette
diapers
Model
Absorbent Mommy-sized housecoat
two baby towels
the patience of Job
the energy of the Energizer Bunny
the ability to continue singing "rubber duckie," in tune, over baby wails that break the decibel reader

1) Remove all clothing from model.

2) Hastily protect oneself from resultant spray of wet with one baby towel.

3) Put diaper on model. Enjoy cute, innocent smile. Tickle model and exclaim in delight about the feat of grabbing the rail of the change table.

4) Apply baby oil to flaky baby scalp. Rub in.

5) Comb baby hair. Exclaim "Ew!" over the flakes that come loose. Continue saying "ew" during combing, and smile at giggly model. Wipe comb on burp cloth as often as necessary, exclaiming, "ew!" each time.

6) Remove model to crib. Fill baby bathtub with water, and place on change table.

7) Remove diaper from model. Sigh with relief that no new spray is forthcoming. Transfer model to tub.

8) Realize that hands are still covered in baby oil, making slippery model even more slippery. Dunk model up to ears, accidentally. Hastily remove model from bath into remaining baby towel and place now-howling model in crib. Wash hands with soap. Transfer model back into bathtub.

9) Sing "Rubber Duckie" while washing baby oil out of model's hair. Quickly soap and rinse all of model. Rinse head again. Realize that model is now howling because soapy water got dripped in eyes. Curse "no-tears" formula. Wipe model's face.

10) Transfer model to baby towel. Realize that housecoat is now soaked from two transfers. Realize that baby towel is also soaked. Fish out third baby towel. Gently dry model. Remove upper towel, preparatory to placing in laundry hamper. Hastily replace baby towel as model wets again. Remove all towels and bedding from under model. Coo at model in attempt to get model to stop howling. Cuddle still-damp model against still-damp housecoat. Cover with baby blanket, since there are no more baby towels. Continue until model stops howling.

11) Diaper and dress model. Comb hair. Sigh in exasperation at number of flakes that come off on comb. Sigh again, dramatically, because model is now giggling. Tickle model.

12) Dump bath water into adult tub. Pick up model, who is mewling and rubbing eyes. Rock model to sleep.

13) Realize that bed is without bedding. Lay model down on nearest baby-safe flat surface.

14) Debate whether or not to have a shower yourself. It's an awful lot of work.

15) Decide to nap in recliner instead.

Comments

Playing with words

[catarzyna.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't it be interesting if she actually did become a model?

Thanks for the chuckle! I would have opted for the nap too. :-)

Re: Playing with words

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I actually didn't. At least half of this is an amalgam of previous bathing experiences with newborns. But it made a better story to put it all together. :)

Re: Playing with words

[catarzyna.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with a little artistic license. ;-)

[michelle-renee.livejournal.com]

hahaha

My husband still teases me about our cradle cap woes - When I got done with Violet she was about bald - cradle crap free but BALD :P

hrhehehehe

love the mamma life!

[winters-edge.livejournal.com]

Clever model number. :)

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I liked it. :)

[jadecat.livejournal.com]

Heh, the well oiled hands reminded my somewhat of when my mom and I tried to bathe my 6 month old cousin. We didn't have a baby tub (I don't even know if you use them when they're 6 months old) so into the big tub he went and BOY did he slide around once we soaped him up... He was laughing all the way through it- and looking at my mom and I like we were terrible simpletons who hadn't a clue. I told her that at least SHE should know what she was doing- she did this with at least 4 different babies! I never had. That was my excuse. Was much fun though.

I like these instructions very much. :)

[melstra.livejournal.com]

Ditto--very cute description!
We bathed Max in the sink (with one of those foam pads) for about the first month...then we just started having him in the bathtub with me. It's a fun time for both of us. Oh, and Selsun Blue shampoo works FABULOUSLY on cradle cap. Gives baby a great little "woad" look, too.

I love singing "rubber duckie" to Max in the bath too--we have three rubber duckies in there and he likes to chase them around.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Selsun Blue. never thought of that. I may have to invest in some of that. I'm picturing Claire with blue-white troll hair at the moment, and liking the picture. :)

[melstra.livejournal.com]

FYI, if you use SB shampoo, put it on the affected area, let it set for 2-3 minutes, then scrub/wash/rinse it off. It needs a bit of time to take effect.

Definitely take photos. With max, he actually had Cradle Cap on his eyebrows instead of his scalp, which made for some super cool pictures! :)