Operation Infant Immersion
Aug. 25th, 2006 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
velvetpageMission: to de-flake and de-dirt Infant Model 05202006XX, codenamed "Claire"
Materials: baby oil, Johnson's
Pink baby comb
Kleenex or burp cloth
Baby bathtub, with three inches of warmish water in it
Tester-sized bottle of baby shampoo with oatmeal in it
Washcloth, flannelette
diapers
Model
Absorbent Mommy-sized housecoat
two baby towels
the patience of Job
the energy of the Energizer Bunny
the ability to continue singing "rubber duckie," in tune, over baby wails that break the decibel reader
1) Remove all clothing from model.
2) Hastily protect oneself from resultant spray of wet with one baby towel.
3) Put diaper on model. Enjoy cute, innocent smile. Tickle model and exclaim in delight about the feat of grabbing the rail of the change table.
4) Apply baby oil to flaky baby scalp. Rub in.
5) Comb baby hair. Exclaim "Ew!" over the flakes that come loose. Continue saying "ew" during combing, and smile at giggly model. Wipe comb on burp cloth as often as necessary, exclaiming, "ew!" each time.
6) Remove model to crib. Fill baby bathtub with water, and place on change table.
7) Remove diaper from model. Sigh with relief that no new spray is forthcoming. Transfer model to tub.
8) Realize that hands are still covered in baby oil, making slippery model even more slippery. Dunk model up to ears, accidentally. Hastily remove model from bath into remaining baby towel and place now-howling model in crib. Wash hands with soap. Transfer model back into bathtub.
9) Sing "Rubber Duckie" while washing baby oil out of model's hair. Quickly soap and rinse all of model. Rinse head again. Realize that model is now howling because soapy water got dripped in eyes. Curse "no-tears" formula. Wipe model's face.
10) Transfer model to baby towel. Realize that housecoat is now soaked from two transfers. Realize that baby towel is also soaked. Fish out third baby towel. Gently dry model. Remove upper towel, preparatory to placing in laundry hamper. Hastily replace baby towel as model wets again. Remove all towels and bedding from under model. Coo at model in attempt to get model to stop howling. Cuddle still-damp model against still-damp housecoat. Cover with baby blanket, since there are no more baby towels. Continue until model stops howling.
11) Diaper and dress model. Comb hair. Sigh in exasperation at number of flakes that come off on comb. Sigh again, dramatically, because model is now giggling. Tickle model.
12) Dump bath water into adult tub. Pick up model, who is mewling and rubbing eyes. Rock model to sleep.
13) Realize that bed is without bedding. Lay model down on nearest baby-safe flat surface.
14) Debate whether or not to have a shower yourself. It's an awful lot of work.
15) Decide to nap in recliner instead.
Materials: baby oil, Johnson's
Pink baby comb
Kleenex or burp cloth
Baby bathtub, with three inches of warmish water in it
Tester-sized bottle of baby shampoo with oatmeal in it
Washcloth, flannelette
diapers
Model
Absorbent Mommy-sized housecoat
two baby towels
the patience of Job
the energy of the Energizer Bunny
the ability to continue singing "rubber duckie," in tune, over baby wails that break the decibel reader
1) Remove all clothing from model.
2) Hastily protect oneself from resultant spray of wet with one baby towel.
3) Put diaper on model. Enjoy cute, innocent smile. Tickle model and exclaim in delight about the feat of grabbing the rail of the change table.
4) Apply baby oil to flaky baby scalp. Rub in.
5) Comb baby hair. Exclaim "Ew!" over the flakes that come loose. Continue saying "ew" during combing, and smile at giggly model. Wipe comb on burp cloth as often as necessary, exclaiming, "ew!" each time.
6) Remove model to crib. Fill baby bathtub with water, and place on change table.
7) Remove diaper from model. Sigh with relief that no new spray is forthcoming. Transfer model to tub.
8) Realize that hands are still covered in baby oil, making slippery model even more slippery. Dunk model up to ears, accidentally. Hastily remove model from bath into remaining baby towel and place now-howling model in crib. Wash hands with soap. Transfer model back into bathtub.
9) Sing "Rubber Duckie" while washing baby oil out of model's hair. Quickly soap and rinse all of model. Rinse head again. Realize that model is now howling because soapy water got dripped in eyes. Curse "no-tears" formula. Wipe model's face.
10) Transfer model to baby towel. Realize that housecoat is now soaked from two transfers. Realize that baby towel is also soaked. Fish out third baby towel. Gently dry model. Remove upper towel, preparatory to placing in laundry hamper. Hastily replace baby towel as model wets again. Remove all towels and bedding from under model. Coo at model in attempt to get model to stop howling. Cuddle still-damp model against still-damp housecoat. Cover with baby blanket, since there are no more baby towels. Continue until model stops howling.
11) Diaper and dress model. Comb hair. Sigh in exasperation at number of flakes that come off on comb. Sigh again, dramatically, because model is now giggling. Tickle model.
12) Dump bath water into adult tub. Pick up model, who is mewling and rubbing eyes. Rock model to sleep.
13) Realize that bed is without bedding. Lay model down on nearest baby-safe flat surface.
14) Debate whether or not to have a shower yourself. It's an awful lot of work.
15) Decide to nap in recliner instead.