Whew.

[velvetpage]

I've spent most of my internet time today reading the Rape post I linked to this morning - or rather, reading half of the 1563 comments on it. (I got to page six out of eleven.)

The comments got me thinking.

I have the world's best guy. No, seriously. Some of you out there may have the world's best guy, too, and he's a different guy from my world's best guy, but really, you don't get any better than Piet. And yet, there have been a few moments when he has caught me by surprise, or acted playfully in a way that rubbed me wrong, when I was momentarily afraid of him. It was an instantaneous reaction on my part, a flashback to a deeply-internalized message to be careful, always be careful, don't trust, don't put yourself in a bad situation, keep your keys in your hand, why are you still drinking that when you took your eyes off it for a whole minute?

That's awful on so many levels. It's awful that I ever have that reaction with the one person above all others I should be able to trust completely. It's awful that that reaction might ever keep me safe. And it's awful that the vast majority of women reading this post are nodding their heads in agreement with it, because they do it, too.

The statement that got a bunch of backs up was: "Every man is a potential rapist." That statement doesn't mean, "Any man could turn around and rape me at any moment." It means, "I have to treat unknown men, and some known ones, with extreme caution, to protect myself, because one in five men MIGHT rape me in certain conditions and I don't know if this guy is one of those." It is not an attempt to tar everyone with the same brush - only to acknowledge the reality of the fear that women live with every day.

It also got me thinking about how to make these points to my class in an age-appropriate way. My kids are already into sexual innuendo and outright nastiness, all verbal as far as I know. How do I tell them that it doesn't matter what the girls say to the boys - if the boys use the girls' status as females as a weapon against them, then they're contributing to rape culture? That the word "faggot" is doing the same thing, only in a homosexual context, with the added subtext of that sex being less okay than hetero sex? That respect is not something you give to people that have earned it - it's something you give as a default, and that sexual respect is never, ever, EVER the part of respect that gets dropped even if you hate that person and scorn them in every other way?

I don't know how to teach this. I'm afraid if I don't, they won't hear it. And I know a few of them are only a few short years from being in a position where they could rape or be raped by members of their peer group. (It could be happening now, of course. That makes me sick to my stomach.) Some of them already treat pretty much every interaction with girls as a power struggle. It scares me.

I'm leaving comments unscreened because I prefer discussion. Play nice. I'll delete and moderate as necessary, but I'm hoping it won't be. It's unlocked, link if you like, and anyone who comes to see: respect the rules.

Comments

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

*nods* The good guys out there often don't realize how threatening they may appear in certain situations, because they know they would never in a million years hurt a woman - but that doesn't mean she's not looking warily at them when it's night and they're the only two around. A lot of the stories in that post were about guys who went up to women who were getting off the bus and said, "I'm going down X street. If that's the way you're going, stay here so I can get a bit ahead of you so you don't have to wonder why I'm lurking behind you." That kind of story showed extra sensitivity, and we need that sometimes.

[r-caton.livejournal.com]

frankly I'm not keen to have unknown people too close when walking home at night of whatever gender. And it isn't "safe" waiting at the bus stop, either. That post was hard going and the message I got was "tough s**t, male, you can't win ANY way". I have problems dealing with people in any case and frankly, I can't be handling other peoples perceptions of me based on appearance, presumption and prejudice. Oh BTW FYI white, fat, bald, moustached male, 52, straight, and increasingly misanthropic.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

What makes you think anyone wins? We certainly don't - if we let go and have fun and get raped, we were asking for it, and if we don't we live our whole lives in at least some degree of fear. I mean, you're upset at being tarred as a bad guy simply for being male, while we're upset at the high probability that we will be assaulted if we don't treat every male that way at least at first. Neither is great - but I think the fear of being assaulted trumps the fear that someone will mistake you for a potential assailant.

[r-caton.livejournal.com]

I don't expect anyone to win in a debate like this.
I'm just cheesed off about losing is all.
Only time people seem to treat me as human is when they want something. When the got it it's back into the box until next time. All outgoing and no incoming. And of course it's MY fault.

[starry-midnight.livejournal.com]

If a guy said that to me...if anyone said that to me...I'd get right back on the bus. Everyone has the ability to facilitate a sense of danger and fear. Seriously though, I would read that all wrong...as creepy and lying and maybe premeditation and hop it right back on....