PoAC: The secret to an even-tempered existence

[velvetpage]

I was reading this post: http://ursulav.livejournal.com/517250.html and it struck a cord with me.

For the most part, I'm pretty even-tempered. I rarely descend into fits of, "Why does this always happen to me?" I rarely ascribe malice to people without strong evidence of same. I don't assume the world is out to get me, or that God has given me a trial to overcome, or that the world is a vale of tears. I just don't. Also, I'm quite willing, generally, to admit when things have gone well and count my blessings. My life isn't perfect, but it's pretty darn good, and it's made better by being friendly to people and assuming that they are doing their best, just like I am, most of the time.

Now, Ursula ascribes this attitude to her atheism. I can't do that, obviously, since I'm not an atheist. So what's the difference between my faith and that of the people who see God and the world as being out to get them?

It's possible to see Christianity as a profoundly negative thing. It's possible to see yourself as a sinful supplicant of a judging God, and you won't be considered to be unChristian for doing so - in fact, many congregations see that attitude as the core of the faith.

I don't. I never have. The reason is that it's not the end of the story. To me, the important part is that God thought humanity was worth saving. We're valuable to him, special, worthy of a sacrifice so huge I can barely comprehend it. Why would a god who was willing to make such a sacrifice be out to get me?

The other side to the equation is my view of humanity, which almost exactly matches Ursula's. Most people are muddling along as best they can. If they do things that hurt me, it's probably by accident or because they are trying to protect themselves and I somehow got in the way of that. I can forgive that, because it's not about me. It's about them. So long as everyone is doing their best with occasional slip-ups, I can forgive the slip-ups. My life is not improved by assuming that random people are cackling evilly at the misfortune they've heaped on me by, for example, rushing to get into the check-out line two steps ahead of me. They're just trying to get home before their teenager trashes the house, or some such.

So, my even-temperedness has two sources: 1) God is good and loves me, and 2) everyone else is just trying to get by as best they can.

Comments

[mysirensong.livejournal.com]

My step-mom's dad's philosophy of life was, "Everyone, at all times, is doing the best that they know how to do at that moment." He said that if you approach life like that, if you approach humanity like that, you really soften your heart towards people. It can sometimes be a very hard way to think, especially for one as judgmental as I tend to be -- like, I think about how my brother has just royally f-ed up everything and he KNOWS better than what he did but ... He's not well. Not at all. And he convinced himself that this move was the one he needed to make for his family. At that moment in time he was doing the best that he could do ... It's still a really hard concept to grasp for me, but it was very much the way Lynn's dad lived his life and I try to remember it. (By the way, he was a Christian, too - and maybe that inspired his philosophy, or maybe he would've had that faith in humanity either way. I wonder ...)

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I think the roots of this outlook are in early childhood. When babies cry, they need comfort. If they don't get parental/caregiver attention, or get it randomly rather than consistently, they are learning insecurity. If I want my kids to have a secure outlook on life, I have to ensure that they're going to trust me to meet their needs.

This assumes that they are basically mentally healthy, because any serious mental illness can mess this up horribly. But it helps to have this outlook, even if you have to struggle to keep it through a mental illness.

Re: I guess mayne I'm one of the exceptions

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Pathological need for acceptance at any cost, perhaps? There are gradations to the ability to find the good in people. There comes a time when you have to say, "I still believe you're doing the best you can, but your best is still hurting me so I'm discontinuing this relationship."

In other words, it's possible to forgive without letting it happen again.

Re: I guess maybe I'm one of the exceptions

[wyldraven.livejournal.com]

Wow you answered that quickly. It only took me a few seconds to delete and re-post when I saw the spelling error. Yeah, I am one of those people, too.

Re: I guess maybe I'm one of the exceptions

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

The baby is nursing, so I'm answering comments as they arrive. :)

I guess maybe I'm one of the exceptions

[wyldraven.livejournal.com]

I had a truly horrid childhood, and yet, until very recently, I was able to "look for the good in people". I did this no matter how badly they treated me.

I've become very cynical in my old age. I'm not sure there even is a glass any more.

BTW

[wyldraven.livejournal.com]

The trailing / on the URL breaks it.

Re: BTW

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Sorry! Fixed.

[paka.livejournal.com]

I think it's very human to see G-d as out to get you. I was raised around people who were all about the negative aspects of deity, and I've seen a lot of it in the Pagan community as well.

If you're an atheist you jettison that part; you get out of that particular game. Of course, if you're an atheist, then you're tempted to replace a judgemental, abusive deity whom you cannot confront, with negative, sadistic aspects of the world which you cannot confront.

[snobahr.livejournal.com]

The thing is, you and ursulav are Sensible People. You both are rational (for the important stuff) and reasonable, and don't need to be at the heart of every situation going on at any given time. All ya'll ain't drama llamas.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Soap operas belong on tv. It would be extremely uncomfortable to live one.

Awareness

[neosis.livejournal.com]

I was reading an article in the current Scientific American (I think) about a study of the correlation between self-esteem and aggression. The thing I took away from the article was that people with unusually low self-esteem may lash out spontaneously and violently, while people with unusually high self-esteem are also likely to lash our violently, but they're more likely to do so deliberately and purposely, or as the result of a challenge to their superiority.

It was called "Self-Esteem, Narcissism and Agression".

A large part of it may just be having the right balanced between awareness of your own falibility and awareness of your own value.