More Funny Stuff for Parents

[velvetpage]

Note: Any baby caught revealing the existence of the newborn connection to any person over the age of 12 months will be immediately stricken from the mailing list.

A sore tummy is the most common reason for crying that our membership gives. Ways to control this phenomenon take up most of our time from the first day of life. Our membership has asked, and we have delivered. Here is the complete guide to infant feeding, from birth through the first year, starting with the method about ninety percent of you will use to eat, and continuing through spitting up and what parents optimistically refer to as “solids.”

Breastfeeding

As many of you have already discovered, breasts are those two round bits of mommies that stick out from their chests. Nipples are the pointy bits on the front of breasts. Your mommy will try to get you to take each nipple and a bit of breast in your mouth to suck on. The first few times you do this, nothing will happen. It may take a few minutes to get anything at all, and when you do, it won’t be much. In fact, it will be several days before this produces any kind of reasonable meal. This is why it is wise to diversify.

You see, mommies believe that the breast is the only part of the body which can ever produce milk, but wise babies know better. The fact is, any vaguely nipple-shaped object could potentially produce milk. A bottle is a case in point. Who would expect food to come out of that long, white thing that doesn’t look a bit like a breast? Yet it does. Why? Because babies suck on it.

Our advice: suck on everything. Each of mommy’s fingers, each of daddy’s or grandma’s fingers, each limb on each stuffed toy, each fistful of sleeper, and most importantly, each of your own hands, might someday produce milk if you suck on it long enough. Don’t give up! Remember it took days before the milk started coming properly out of the breast. Eventually, there will be a payout. In the meantime, the salty taste of adult skin is probably the only salt you’re going to get.

Of course, what to suck on is only half the story here. Equally important is technique. Breastfeeding actually requires several parts of the body that are not mentioned or even implied by its name. Here they are, in order of importance:

Nails: these are the scratchy things on the ends of your fingers. Use them to scratch. Milk will flow when breasts are scratched regularly.

Fists: Your hands, closed into little balls, make fists. Use them to knock that milk right out of there. Alternate these with nails, since it is very difficult to keep your hand closed and open at the same time. (Please, let us know if you manage this.)

Legs: Left or right, depending on which breast you’re feeding from at any given time. Mommies need pumping occasionally, and legs get the job done. Move your leg which is not smooshed up against your mommy in an up-and-down motion, bending on the way up and straightening on the way down. Rest your foot on the breast which is not in use, as often as you need to.

Eyes: That’s right, eyes. Maintaining eye contact is essential, unless you’re going to sleep. You wouldn’t want to risk Mommy going to sleep while you’re still awake, would you?

Follow this complete list of directions, and soon your parents will be cooing delightedly over how much you’ve grown and how you eat like a horse.

Spitting Up

Mommy was very pleased the first time you had a full meal, wasn’t she? We’re certain she was less impressed when some of that milk came right back up again. First, why does this happen? Second, what can be done about it?

No one really knows why babies spit up, but it seems to be a rule of thumb that they will do so considerably more on days when their parents have had time to shower and dress. One classic rendition of the Parent Hop game is to save your spit up for such times, as parents will then feel the need to change their clothes and possibly yours, as well. Unfortunately, not all of us have as much spit to add to this game as we might like. For those of us with modest amounts, then, we suggest one of several methods.

First, there’s the constant low-level dribble. Even babies who spit up very rarely can usually start to achieve a similar effect with drool around three months or so. Your parents will become quite frazzled trying to keep themselves clean, not to mention you. Frazzled parents, of course, are funny parents.

Second, there’s the well-timed blast. This often comes while mommy is trying to get you to burp after a meal. Try to avoid this, since it is entirely too predictable and will probably land on a cloth rather than a piece of Mommy’s clothing. Instead, allow your parent of choice to walk around the room for as long as possible while you hold in burp and spit. As soon as they give up and move you to a more advantageous position (say, seated on their lap,) let it all out. This is also an excellent time to practise your biggest smile.

Third, there’s the rare lake effect spit up, where you create a lake. Usually, you will first create a waterfall. Try to hit as many parts of your parent’s body as possible. We don’t advise this course of action too often, though, as it means considerable discomfort for you first.

Whichever method you choose, remember that it’s okay if some or even most of what went in comes right back out.

Solids

Solids are those slightly thicker liquids that parents will start to spoon into you sometime in the fifth or sixth month of your life. Solids can be seen in one of two ways, or for most babies, each in turn as the mood takes them. We offer suggestions for reactions and how to display your opinion to parents.

The first view of solids is of an impostor. Here you are, having finally mastered the art of getting a full meal from breast or bottle, and all of a sudden, they’re changing the rules! You don’t have to put up with that! Start by trying to get it out of their hands; grabbing for the dish it’s in is usually the best method. They will fight you, so you have to be devious. Use your best cute temper look, and both hands separately: one for the spoon, and one for the dish. We realize this requires the development of considerable manual dexterity, but the payout will justify the effort. You don’t actually have to grasp it; just knocking it around a bit will get the point across. Most babies report considerable success with this procedure, at least for a few days.

The second view of solids is as a toy. For most babies, solids are the first real experience with paint (except for the rare member who has painted with the contents of his diaper; more on that later.) The first objective, obviously, is getting the food off the spoon and onto your fingers. Either you can grab the bowl of the spoon directly, before it goes in your mouth, or you can wait until the food has landed on your tongue and then put your hand in there with it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking the hand is the goal, though: hands are far too easy to clean! As soon as you’ve got some food on there, start smearing it everywhere you can reach. Common targets include your hair and clothes, your face, your high chair, and any bit of Mommy or Daddy that you can reach. Practise first on that beige cereal stuff, then move on to bigger and better messes as parents introduce bright orange and green foods. Carrots are an especial favourite of our membership.

No matter what view of solids you are taking today, remember the cardinal rule of babyhood: your parents believe that you haven’t read the rule book, so make it up, make it fun, and make it messy! In the long run, your parents will thank you for all the cute pictures they got.

Comments

[athelind.livejournal.com]

This had me giggling.

I suspect if I hadn't skipped the whole infant thing and gone right to grandkids, I'd be giggling even harder.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

No, most people who have been through the infant thing give knowing laughs of recognition.

How did you manage to skip kids?

[athelind.livejournal.com]

Married someone with teenaged daughters (http://www.livejournal.com/users/quelonzia/) (who are now in their 20s).

This greatly amused my mother, since I had long joked that I was going to skip kids and go right to grandkids, and, lo and behold, I did.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

It's a nice way to get around it. But I have to say, kids are worth it. (The fact that I can say this the day after the cry-it-out ordeal says a lot about the strength of my feelings on this subject.)

[kesmun.livejournal.com]

I don't have kids, but I still give knowing chuckles at these. I have nieces and nephews, so I semi-qualify.

[lousy-timing.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I'd missed this one.

Funny stuff! You should find a publication to submit these to- I think they'd be very popular.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I started to look, but never got around to actually writing a proposal. I think this one was funnier than the first - though I realized after posting it that I posted the unedited version by accident.

I had so much fun writing them, when I came across them again during a browse through my hard drive, I just had to share.