This gave me lots to think about in terms of dealing with teens. Of the people I know who engage in attachment parenting, they mostly find the balance of which you speak. I think it's just on the more compassionate, soft side of common sense and emotional intelligence.
Obviously it's different with teens, but some of the ideas here are ones that can be applied to everyone - empathy, context, kindness... I try to always start with 'what's wrong?' once the negative behaviour has been halted. Once we work through that (if possible - some kids are not ready to go there) then we work out some consequences that are reasonable, and they seem much more open to taking responsibility for their actions knowing that the adult who is imposing the consequence cares and has their best interests at heart. Also, they appreciate being treated as though this negative behaviour is not how I define them as people. Unless they are in serious psychological trouble, most of them generally want harmony, and are just being pulled in many directions. Also, finding a construtive consequence (you took away from the class by being disruptive, so you can add to the class by cleaning up) allows me to praise their contributions, thus leaving things on a positive note. Obviously this is not a flawless process - I am human and so are they, but I think that many of the concepts of attachment parenting are visible here. Also, you mention that sometimes you get snippy with your little one - I think that's a great time to teach kids that we all get snippy sometimes, and that recognizing it and taking care of ourselves is a good way to deal with it. Nothing floors my students so much as me saying something like 'Hey, guys, let's start over. I'm still frustrated over a situation I dealt with at lunch that has nothing to do with any of you. I'm tired today and I've been a little hard on you. I'm sorry. I'm going to try harder to be civil. Please be patient with me today, okay?' It teaches them to let me know if they are feeling off, and that none of us are perfect. Some of them feel like they will never live up to this implied desire for perfect behaviour, so why bother trying? It is interesting to watch them deal with this kind of approach. Some of them feel really vulnerable being treated well - it is so different from their home lives.
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Date: 2006-08-25 12:25 pm (UTC)Obviously it's different with teens, but some of the ideas here are ones that can be applied to everyone - empathy, context, kindness... I try to always start with 'what's wrong?' once the negative behaviour has been halted. Once we work through that (if possible - some kids are not ready to go there) then we work out some consequences that are reasonable, and they seem much more open to taking responsibility for their actions knowing that the adult who is imposing the consequence cares and has their best interests at heart. Also, they appreciate being treated as though this negative behaviour is not how I define them as people. Unless they are in serious psychological trouble, most of them generally want harmony, and are just being pulled in many directions. Also, finding a construtive consequence (you took away from the class by being disruptive, so you can add to the class by cleaning up) allows me to praise their contributions, thus leaving things on a positive note. Obviously this is not a flawless process - I am human and so are they, but I think that many of the concepts of attachment parenting are visible here. Also, you mention that sometimes you get snippy with your little one - I think that's a great time to teach kids that we all get snippy sometimes, and that recognizing it and taking care of ourselves is a good way to deal with it. Nothing floors my students so much as me saying something like 'Hey, guys, let's start over. I'm still frustrated over a situation I dealt with at lunch that has nothing to do with any of you. I'm tired today and I've been a little hard on you. I'm sorry. I'm going to try harder to be civil. Please be patient with me today, okay?' It teaches them to let me know if they are feeling off, and that none of us are perfect. Some of them feel like they will never live up to this implied desire for perfect behaviour, so why bother trying?
It is interesting to watch them deal with this kind of approach. Some of them feel really vulnerable being treated well - it is so different from their home lives.