There's no good way to describe it - the best I can come up with is "emotional fort." It's like bottling up emotions, only worse in some ways, because I didn't have any way to release what I blocked, and there wasn't much discrimination in what I blocked.
The teasing didn't hurt as much, but I didn't really feel much of anything else, either. And it still hurt, collecting up until I didn't know what to do with it. I spent a lot of time alone or with the dog, trying to sort this out.
I've managed to break most of it down at this point, but I still have a weak emotional response in most cases, and I'm aware that I hide myself behind masks when I have to face other people. Mask of the jester, mask of silence, or mask of the Internet...just a few of my ways to keep a little distance.
It works in keeping me safe. But I don't come out much.
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Date: 2005-05-05 09:52 pm (UTC)The teasing didn't hurt as much, but I didn't really feel much of anything else, either. And it still hurt, collecting up until I didn't know what to do with it. I spent a lot of time alone or with the dog, trying to sort this out.
I've managed to break most of it down at this point, but I still have a weak emotional response in most cases, and I'm aware that I hide myself behind masks when I have to face other people. Mask of the jester, mask of silence, or mask of the Internet...just a few of my ways to keep a little distance.
It works in keeping me safe. But I don't come out much.