Musings on potential drama averted

[velvetpage]

Well.

I had no idea when I posted on Saturday that my post would spark two potentially dramatic comments. Both have been, not only averted, but turned into positives. I'm grateful for that, and for the way two old friends seem to be reconnecting through me. There will be no nastiness, and new understandings have been reached.

I'm going to make another comparison.



Many years ago (about fifteen) I introduced my childhood best friend, Tara, to a high school friend, Heather. (Yes, she had the same name as my sister. Don't get them confused.) I thought they would get along wonderfully, but I turned out to be very wrong. Tara came across as boy-crazy; Heather came across as a snob. Neither ever wanted to see the other again.

The same thing could very easily have happened with me and mizheekay. wggthegnoll and ruiskafleck were certain we would get along, but if we had met for the first time with no prior lj knowledge of each other, we would have rubbed each other the wrong way. We both have perfectionist tendencies; we both react to new social situations by going "on stage"; we both put forth a public persona that is so extremely confident and outgoing that it can be off-putting.

One of the major reasons I was so upset by what happened to me at school in December was that so much of what was said to me was true, and it was all a result of that social persona under stress. (If you don't know about this and want to, comment. That post has to be locked.) My social persona is hiding more insecurity than it used to, as a result. In many ways, that persona is what's left of me in high school. That used to be me - or at least, the extremely confident and competent aspects of my social persona really were me, fifteen years ago. They were hiding some insecurities even then, but they were not an act. Now, I consciously adopt them in certain situations. Friday night, I put on that persona because it fit the situation and because it reflected my anticipation and my happiness. It wasn't entirely an act. It wasn't even mostly an act. But neither was it all of me. I'm fairly certain the same thing was happening to mizheekay. Fortunately, we're both emotionally mature adults who recognized what was happening and chose to internalize the areas where we did get along.

This is just one more example of how lj has changed how I socialize. Overall, it's a good change. I think I'll keep it.

Comments

silly ramblings from a happy girl

[mizheekay.livejournal.com]

Clarification can seem so cold, so I approach this clarification with both warmth, humour and caution, and the proviso that it's really only because we're still getting to know each other.

I guess, first off, I don't think you would have rubbed me the wrong way regardless of if I knew you through lj or not- You're a bright, spirited and warm-hearted conversationalist. Your interaction with your husband spoke volumes about your personality, and you have a sparkle in your eye that I like. There was one person who DID rub me the wrong way, but that's only one out of a big group of strangers, so hey... that's not bad.

And this, not so much clarification as musing and simple response...I don't think of it as acting so much as chosing which facets I am going to emphasize at any given moment. That was as much me as the quiet more introverted me who kicks around in her pj's at home all day, or the introspective writer. All are equally me, and all are rooted in my genuine self. The only time I feel I really deviate from my true self is when I'm insecure around volitile authority figures, such as one of my bosses.

And this, certainly clarification, (but infused with humour, and only because I fear that if you're a perfectionist that my lack of perfectionistic qualities, especially if you're expecting them, might horrify you!) ---I agree with you that we do have lots in common with each other. The only thing that I think may have been misinterpreted is the perfectionism thing. I work hard and I demand a lot from myself, true, but I'm also very gentle with myself and quick to redefine success at the drop of a hat. It's one of the few non-virgo qualities I have - I'm super analytical, but I never was a perfectionist, and in fact so much the opposite that I drove my mom bonkers - messy room, sloppy writing, bad spelling (which I really have to watch as an english teacher, but I rarely spell-check my lj entries) carefree to the verge of self-sabotage at times... I still don't make my bed, and the house is a mess, but it's full of laughter, love, play, and many levels of safety. I guess that's perfection to me.
The one thing that might be a kind of exception is my people skills and my need to please- I have to learn to give myself a break if I accidently upset someone. Of course, there are a large number of people who I could care less what they think (the ever menacing 'they') but if it's someone who I respect and value personally then I struggle if I feel they are upset with me. Oh, and now that I give it some thought, my cooking. I'm human, and I fret about things like everyone else, and can occasionally be self-critical, but it never lasts for long. My therapist said I was the first person she ever met who was so okay with being messed up that they could see the humour in it all.

All things in balance is my goal, and I work hard but balance it with a healthy 'screw-it' attitude, and it serves me well most of the time.

Re: silly ramblings from a happy girl

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

"I guess, first off, I don't think you would have rubbed me the wrong way regardless of if I knew you through lj or not- You're a bright, spirited and warm-hearted conversationalist."

I'm glad of that. Not least because I like compliments. :)

"And this, not so much clarification as musing and simple response...I don't think of it as acting so much as chosing which facets I am going to emphasize at any given moment."

I like this view of things better. Much, much better. It's much more accurate a reflection of what's really happening.

I figured out after posting this, when I read your heavy post, that I'd probably been wrong about the perfectionist thing. And I'm not like that in many areas of my life. My house is chronically messy, my laundry chronically undone, my marking is scattered in piles around the classroom - you get the idea. My mind, however, tends toward the ultra-organized. I get very self-critical when I realize that I haven't thought something through or haven't done my best at something. I used to beat myself up over marks in the nineties if I knew that the mistakes I made were careless ones where I knew the answer. I didn't beat myself up over the honest mistakes - just the careless ones. I have to fight with myself to let myself be human sometimes.

I have to go, it's Piet's turn and I'm sleepy. I'm glad you had a great day.